Today was the second day I spent at the hospital with my dad, and this time it was a very, very long day, with many mixed feelings and a sense of feeling wiped out.
While the truth is that yet again God has been faithful in crisis with my dad just having avoided a fairly serious situation by getting treated before sepsis shock set in, and his vitals now back to normal, this is the first time we’ve had to put him in adult diapers and deal with the difficulty of bathing him. If he wasn’t so fearful and mistrusting, and being in his senses if he would be a little more sensibly cooperative, he would still be fairly easy to manage. But he has always been a rather fearful man and coupled with deafness, situations can become quite difficult to handle now. As I found, and was almost overcome by, today
There are few things so intimate as getting hands on and involved in cleaning someone’s mess, especially if it isn’t getting clean, and that is what God has done, with little cooperation from my side, in my own life. Even now, late at night, I’m unable to get the emotions and sensations out of my mind of that ordeal of cleaning my dad, when the wardboy and my well-thought out (to us) plan failed miserably. I felt like I had gone through a physical and emotional mangler. I wonder how God has persisted with me with such love and patience.
Then in the car going home, surreptitiously looking at him now and then, I saw how terribly frail and fragile he is. And because he is so fragile, he needs to be given so much more care, and it costs the caregiver so much more to do so.
Fragility makes things and people precious. One would treat a priceless gem or crystal with the same care as a very old person or a very young child. Giving care to someone also gives that person value and can restore dignity. Old age and sickness really can level people’s delusions of their own strength and rob dignity, and also humble people.
I still haven’t relaxed, even now, and still feel at breaking point, but at the end of the day, I have no regrets, and am satisfied with what I’m doing. My own words I’ve been writing now come back again and again, Feel the heat, or see the colour. The city is full of blazing orange and yellow blooms. Just because I’ve been forced to step out and away from the car AC, does not mean that those amazing flowers have stopped being beautiful, but it does mean that I may stop seeing them, and/or start to see an ugliness in them that they don’t have. It’s the golden chance for ME to change, and in that process, other things and people will change as well, like ripples on a pond.
I hope and pray I don’t lose the chance.